English Quotes

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats. Woody Allen

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love. Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong. Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, cheat! Unknown

If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people. Unknown

I inherited my ability from both my parents; my mother's ability for spending money, and my father's ability for not making it. Unknown

Keep Britain Tidy, kill a tourist. Unknown

Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence. Unknown

Middle Age - When you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go. Unknown

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Unknown

Would the boy you were be proud of the man you are? Unknown

Lord give me chastity - but not yet. Saint Augustine

I'll come and make love to you at five o'clock. If I'm late start without me. Tallulah Bankhead

I know I am God because when I pray to him I find I'm talking to myself. Peter Barnes

If I'd known I was gonna live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. Eubie Blake

Reasoning with a child is fine, if you can reach the child's reason without destroying your own. John Mason Brown

My mother in law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. Lenny Bruce

I am still an atheist, thank God. Luis Bunuel

Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth. George Burns

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. Al Capone

Gross ignorance : 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance. Bennett Cerf

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing - and then marry him. Cher

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I'm beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow

Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to go and get insulted. Sammy Davis, Jr

My name is only an anagram of toilets. T. S. Eliot

If you could just be a nigger one Saturday night, you wouldn't never want to be a white man again as long as you live. William Faulkner

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? Jules Feiffer

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally. W. C. Fields

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. Robert Frost

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. Zsa Zsa Gabor

I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back. Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriage is a lot like the army. Everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist. James Garner

Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. Samuel Goldwyn

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. Samuel Goldwyn

The reason so many people showed up at his funeral was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. Samuel Goldwyn

Nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own. Sydney J. Harris

What history teaches us is that men have never learned anything from it. Georg Wilhelm Hegel

To his dog, every man is Napoleon. Hence the constant popularity of dogs. Aldous Huxley

He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone. Jesus

You see an awful lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. Erica Jong

Every man has three characters - that which he exhibits, that which he has, and that which he thinks he has. Alphonse Karr

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. Martin Luther King, Jr

God must love the common man, he made so many of them. Abraham Lincoln

A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five! Groucho Marx

I never forget a face, but I'll make an exception in your case. Groucho Marx

I've had a wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. Groucho Marx

She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member. Groucho Marx

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not. H. L. Mencken

Is man one of God's blunders or is God one of man's blunders? Friedrich Nietzsche

There cannot be a God because, if there were one, I would not believe that I was not He. Friedrich Nietzsche

I don't need bodyguards. I'm from the South Bronx. Al Pacino

That woman speaks eighteen languages and she can't say 'no' in any one of them. Dorothy Parker

All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. Saint Patrick

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance? Ronald Reagan

My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I've just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes. Ronald Reagan

Failing to be there when a man wants her is a woman's greatest sin, except to be there when he doesn't want her. Helen Rowland

When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. Helen Rowland

The only place where success comes before work is in a dictionary. Vidal Sassoon

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. George Bernard Shaw

I'm not so think as you drunk I am. Sir John Squire

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin

A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Caskie Stinnett

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't. Margaret Thatcher

No woman in my time will be Prime Minister, Chancellor or Foreign Secretary. Margaret Thatcher

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? James Thurber

I don't like her. But don't misunderstand me, my dislike is purely platonic. Sir Herbert Beerbohm Tree

Truman's Law - If you can't convince them, confuse them. Harry S Truman

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times. Mark Twain

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. Peter De Vries

We cherish our friends not for their ability to amuse us, but for ours to amuse them. Evelyn Waugh

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. Mae West

The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature. Alfred North Whitehead

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure. Earl Wilson

Few things so speedily modify an uncle's love as a nephew's air gun bullet in the fleshy part of the leg. P. G. Wodehouse